Trust Me, I'm a Doctor

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The following Q&A seems somewhat logical...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart's only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste it on exercises. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer; it's like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take naps.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruits. Fruits are very good. Brandy means distilled wine, which means they take water out of the fruity bits so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is made from grains. Grains are good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU AREN'T LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetables be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for one's figure, explain a whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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