I remember the lady who said that if she could live her life all over, she'd do more and wait less. Perhaps she'd have more real problems but, as recompense, she'd have fewer imaginary ones.
I hear the voice of an author who wrote that happiness is not a commodity that can be saved then spent. It is a habit to practise and get used to. I recall her words that happiness can be as simple as living what we're meant to do.
I read through a string of past emails with a banker and gain a renewed understanding of what life can be, what it should be.
These past days unfolded in a hazy monotone. I didn't manage to complete any essay, report or revision. I was wholly unproductive but not bothered by guilt. Time weaved by with a languorous rhythm. I thought thoughts in a helter-skelter fashion; nothing coherent, nothing insightful, just a vague sense of being.
I slept and thought and ate and thought and slept.
I've decided to stop living in fear of what that may be.
Really, it's a simple decision. What took me so long to reach it?
I don't want to be like other people. To receive an education and not understand what I want with it. To long for the end of tertiary education without realising the waste of precious energy. I don't want what I don't want anymore.
And I've taken baby steps towards what I want.
It's time to try.
Maybe I'll fail. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be ridiculed and criticised. Maybe I won't.
But all that doesn't matter. Not anymore. A world of 'May-be's just isn't realistic.
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