Of Pride and Perjury 2011

in

A new year awaits ahead and I'm filled with much trepidation. Feels as though time and tide are relentlessly marching forward in a tune I neither understand nor, frankly, hope to understand.

Pleased with the life I've chosen - bit of work, much reading, thinking and drawing. It's a comfortable living, one that appeals to my sensibilities, but there's this silent, omniscient, tireless voice that keeps wanting me to do more with my life.

The alter ego wants me to study accountancy or business or law or simply any course that'd bring in the dollars. The alter ego tells me that I must forsake my happiness to pursue the ideal 5Cs - car, condo, cash, credit card, country club membership. And I must admit that, no matter how irrational the alter ego is, I'm tempted.

Oh yes, I'm tempted.

Know that not all those who studied law or accountancy or business would end up rich. Know that even if they're rich, they might not be happy (unless they're happy solely because they're rich). Know that happiness in and of itself is spiritual richness.

But Knowing, it's so different from Understanding.

Feels as though I'm groping blindly in the darkness, thirsty for enlightenment and yet, not knowing that I hold a canteen of water in my hands.
*
Was sharing with two treasured friends about how I felt.

Sharing stories about the subtle look of horror when people hear that I'm planning to study a pure Science and - horror of horrors - be a teacher thereafter. The involuntary gasps. The looks of aspersions and the subsequent awkwardness.

One told me that he secretly 'don't admire' those who chose to remain in the system without venturing out, those who settled on what they know and dare not try. I guess, I understand why.

Another shared with me the similarly aloof treatment he received when he told others that he'd be studying Mathematics. (It's not just my imagination.) The subtle, yet palpable, distaste.
*
I love teaching, the attendant satisfaction from knowing that I've made a difference. I like knowing that I'm not mindlessly accumulating money for self, that I'm contributing, in my humble little ways, to the society.

But, how do I ever come face-to-face to the possibility that I'd be mediocre?
*
Many friends told me that I ought to pursue happiness, that I ought to do what that makes me happy.

But, what's the price of happiness?
*
What should I do?

How I wish someone would make the choice for me and allow me to close my eyes, still my heart, silent my desires while travelling down the path of their choice.

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