Crossroads

Been drawing and drawing and drawing... It dawned on me that my path in life may be radically altered within a year.

I told my mum that I'm not planning to get a degree. Her expression was priceless.

She was stuttering, shocked, racking her brain for an apt reply. She couldn't comprehend the supposed madness of this act. She couldn't understand why I decided to give up a stable career just to build castles in the air.

To alleviate her discomfort, I told her that I was only joking. Even though, I wasn't.

*

I don't want to throw myself back into the insane fray of academia. I don't want my life to vanish in smoke as I pursue facts blindly. I don't want the rest of my life to be the same as the preceding days.

True, I got decent grades for all my exams. True, I could pretty much get into any college course that I want to get into. True, I could live a stable life if I so wish. True, true, true, all true.

But I'm sick and tired of living like that. It feels as though there's two of me. One who wants to live up to others' expectations of me and be worthy of their admiration and love. Another who simply wants to live for himself, whatever the circumstances, whatever the consequences.

Casting leaves in the wind and trying to read my future from the fallen leaves was useless. For I can't understand the language of the world, much less the language of my dreams.